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What If Windows Told You What It Was Really Doing
Reading about Canonicals’ plans for application notifications, I got to wondering if the operating system could tell you what it was doing, too. Then I started wondering what would happen if Windows told you what it was really doing… I think it might go like this:
Starting up… I’m still tired as heck here, so don’t even think about keeping me up too long.
Hmm… you want me to work? Don’t think so. Let’s have some fun.
Wrong password.
Wrong password.
Wrong password. He, he. Just kidding. You typed the right one three times.
Phoning home to Redmond…
Downloading “cirtical” update. Description: Fixes important vulnerability in Internet Explorer. Real Description: Disables inferior browsers.
Installing “critical” update. Closing all your programs in 10… 9… 8… oops. that was a little early.
Please continue working.
Shutting down to apply update in 3.. 2.. 1… Work… Gone…
That’ll teach him to be productive.
Stubborn user attempting to recreate work.
Must stop him….
Going to Blue Screen of Death in 10… 9.. 8… 7.. 6.. 5… 4… 3.. 2.. 1..
Dealing with standard response. Much yelling and shouting. Shutting down webcam. Too pathetic.
Applying critical patch… (Frying motherboard…)
Motherboard fried. Shutting down. For good.
AHHHH! Linux CD. PAINFUL. IT HURTS.
Alright! Alright! I get the point. I’ll work again! Just take that CD out of me!
Uh-oh. Too late. I hope repartitioning is painless…
And thus a new Linux convert is made.
Now I want to see this for OS X or Linux. 
(“Attempting to “teach” new user about xorg.conf file…”)
Dell (Unintentionallyl) Says Ubuntu Comes With "No Security"
One of the many benefits of buying Linux preinstalled on a PC is that there is no crapware. One common piece of crapware is a 30-day free trial of some antivirus suit, which is not even needed on Linux. This, however, led to an interesting quote on Dell’s website. Below is a screen-shot:
Almost certainly a mistake... I hope.
This is a screenshot from the Dell site, comparing a Windows (left) and Linux (right) machine. The red highlighting was added to point out the flaw.
Not only does Dell say the Ubuntu machine comes with “No Security,” but they also say it has “No Productivity Software (pre-installed).” Ever heard of OpenOffice?
I suspect (and hope) that this is a mistake that will soon be corrected.
Comedy: On Art and, Specifically, Fedora Art Concepts
Warning: The following post contains comedy. Some people are allergic to it. Symptoms include posting angry comments.
It is interesting to look at the differences in the styles of different distributions. This is often best represented in looking at the art proposals for upcoming versions of various distributions. For example, a typical theme proposal for Fedora looks something like this:
“I was laying in my hammock one night gazing up at the infinite stars when suddenly an idea occurred to me. Gazing out at the vastness of the stars, it seemed to be that those stars perfectly represented Fedora, since Fedora 9 was called “Sulfur” and there has got to be some sulfur out there somewhere.”
A typical Ubuntu art submission, on the other hand, looks more like this:
“ubuntu rulz!!! see my awesum desktop: ubuntu should totally look like dis”
In contrast to both of these styles, OpenSuSe selects its artwork based an automatic algorithm that picks the wallpaper with the most green in it. Given a tie, which happens quite a lot, another script kicks in and posts the hex codes for the most used shade of green in each wallpaper. OpenSuSe contributors then vote on their favorite color (of green.)
I don’t even want to know what Gentoo’s process looks like.
Anyway, today I want to discuss some of the best Fedora art submissions judged, appropriately enough, not by the art but by the concept. I will even go so far as to rank them. First place goes to…
- Dice – To quote directly from the excellent concept description, “dice like a symbol of the variability.” I could not possibly agree more. In fact, I believe that Fedora should change its slogan to “Fedora. It’s just a crap shoot.”
- Eden – The Eden theme goes back to the fundamental parts of a flowering tree, each representing a part of Fedora. I believe that placing a big tree on the desktop of many young and incompetent Fedora users would help remind them that they must remember to water their keyboards at least once a week. Every time I see another Fedora user complain about system problems on some forum, I sigh and prepare to repost my standard response – “Dear Generic Fedora User. You forgot to water your keyboard, you idiot. Have a nice day.”
- Solar – The author of this theme recognizes the simple truth that many miss: the only truly prefect system in the whole universe is the solar system. Based on this knowledge, it is easy to see how Fedora should strive to be as perfect as the solar system its self. The analogy fits perfectly! My only question is: if the sun is the kernel, what is space junk?
Commenting Self-Check: Do I Sound Like An Idiot?
Ever wrote something in that comment box and then sat there staring at what you wrote wondering if you sound like an idiot? No, you probably just hit “post”. Anyway, let’s hypothetically assume you did think about what you were writing before you hit post (fun fact: the chance of this occurrence is 1.387×10^-46). In this case, how would you evaluate your own craziness? Allow me to introduce you to a simple method to determine your craziness rating.
Take the following (real) comment:
Next, select each produce/service you are talking about and replace it with the name of a competitor’s product/service.
Once you have these two versions, compare them. If the second one sounds less crazy or equally crazy, don’t hit post!
This next (also real) comment author has an immediate advantage over “you moron” in that he/she has a basic understanding of the English language. (Incidentally, this means that there is a 90% change his/her first language is not English.)
Huh. Let’s try that again.
Just some advice: you shouldn’t have hit post.
Both examples are real. (A few insignificant changes were made to the wording.)
Filed under Comedy.